1.5 years later...

So it's been quite some time since my last update. I ran across this old blog, and the itch to write returned. I read my last post from April '09, and I am surprised at what I knew then. The storm I faced rocked me to my core, and continued to stretch on past what I could foresee at the time. How the roads of our life twist. I wish I could say I maintained that calm, peaceful, and faithful presence throughout it, but there were moments. Moments that became stretches of time. Stretches of time that became lifelessness spiritually. But there has been a new awakening. God was kind enough to place people in my life who were willing to point the right way. And I'm thankful he is patient. I can be a pretty passionate person when it comes to my emotions. I expected to feel angry at God. What surprised me was the apathy that ensued instead. Looking back, I think I felt like I had prayed for years about the health of my mom, and despite it all, the will of God remained unbroken, and pointed to her battle taking her from us. I have believed since the moment it happened that it happened that way for a reason. Who knows what she was being saved from? I don't doubt His goodness. But hearing the final "No"....I retreated. Like a child, spurned by their parents, even though their "no" was totally right and for my own good, the denial of the self-will still aches.

I am ready to forge ahead. My family has changed, rather dramatically. But I like to remind myself of my roots, and remember the example of faith that my mom lived out in front of me. No longer can my faith be something I work on to impress my earthly parents, now it is 100% between me and God, and it's reason for being, is because He Is. Was. Always will be. Amen.

Things I have learned

Well, it's been a minute since my last post...and more has happened than I'd care to explain...so here is a list of things I feel like I have learned as of late

1. On a long, somber road trip, amongst all the songs that make your eyes well up with tears due to the rawness and humanity of them, you will inevitably here the song Low Rider and crack up laughing and just enjoy the drive.

2. Enjoy your family. Don't ever take one day with them for granted. Because you never know when you will need to lean on them, and you never know how many days are written for them. Hug your mom. Talk with your dad. Tell everyone you love them, and really mean it.

3. It becomes clearer and clearer to me that the world we live in is a broken world. We are fixated on pretending that it's not, but it really is. The smell of death hovers over the earth, and it is as un-natural and backwards a thing as any. I just feel in my soul that we are not meant to die. Thank God for eternity.

4. People get really weird around you when they know something bad is going on in your life. It's funny because you can tell they really want to help you somehow, but I think the truth is, in some circumstances, none of us really know how to help, though the desire to do SOMETHING is very present. I appreciate every awkward hug, talk, meal, and advice. 

5. There is something beautiful in providing assistance to the person who did everything for you as a baby/child/adolescent. Though I believe it's a broken world, and a broken system, this is a terribly beautiful irony. 

6. Never doubt yourself. 10 years ago, I highly doubted I would ever become a college graduate. Four years ago I highly doubted that I would have the drive to even start graduate school. One day ago, I passed my comprehensive exam that is the final straw- I will walk across a stage in 6 weeks and reach a higher level educationally than anyone in my family has ever attempted. With honors. It blows me away what I can do when I just take it one day at a time and trust that God will help me do anything that I feel he calls me to do. 

7. Reach for the stars. Live every day to the fullest. Because life is finite, you are only here once. Try not to have regrets. Live, laugh, love, dance, cry, comfort, talk, reach out, pull inward, reach upward. 

8. Days that start with time with God are better than days that put it off until the final minutes before exhaustion catches up with me. 

9. I don't think we are ever ready to let go of any person we love. We always just want one more day, week, month, year, decade. The human spirit amazes me in so many ways, - but we tend not to be able to let go. To do so gracefully, and trusting in God, will be the biggest, hardest test of my faith ever. But I stand before the storm, take a deep breath, and submit myself to the hard ride ahead.

Well, I'd like to have an even 10...but I think I'm basically circling around the same thoughts. Life feels bittersweet, but right now I have no regrets. God is good, and I really believe that. 

Anyway. Ciao!

Resolutions

I have made a few new years resolutions this year, so I figured that since it's mid-February, it would be a good time to review progress on them. I've heard the statistics before on how most people have quit by the end of January. Real change in life is hard, and it's typically not very much fun. But a wise person once said, "There is no brilliant achievement without dull and determined effort". 

Resolution #1- Spiritual Life. In the past I have pledged several times to read the Bible in a year...and honestly, it's never happened. I know that I've read most of the Bible, the prophets and some of the history are what I still need to get to. I'm reading the minor prophets in my minor prophets class, so that's a good move forward, but...I decided not to make that particular pledge this year of getting through it all in a year. Instead, I made a resolution to get to church every Sunday this year. In the last few years, I started finding it more and more tempting to stay home on Sundays. It got to the point where I'd be proud of myself for going two weeks in a row, and automatically take the third week off. Not very productive. So, now it's been...7 weeks! And I can see amazing things happening. I am getting to know more people! I am really investing in people! I am finding joy in it! I am serving in ways I never have before. It really feels like a time of renewal. A few of the Sundays, I have had a hard time getting out of bed...because it's soo warm! And because I don't always get enough sleep on Saturday nights, so I should focus on that, too. Anyway. It feels nice, and my spiritual life feels more alive.

Resolution #2, Health & Fitness. Ugh. I did NOT have a good start on this one. Background info, I lost 15 pounds in October/November of 08, and everyone was complimenting me when I went home for Christmas...and then somehow I fell off the wagon? And didn't get back on till the last week of January. Gained back 10 pounds of the 15 I'd lost, but I've been at it for a little over two weeks again, exercising most days, eating smart...and I'm down 5 pounds. So only 5 more pounds to go to get back to where I was. And then I'd like to lose another 15 this year. The things that have been most helpful to me in this endeavor are....

- A reality check. I did not like where I was with my weight. I've been hanging out at around the same spot for years, and I am not content with it. So, I just had one of those moments...where you look at the path you're on, and decide whether or not you're going to stay that course. I do not still want to feel "fat" when I'm 25, 26, 27...etc. So, that means I have to do something about it NOW. I've been working out for years now, but this spurred a much more regular, disciplined, and goal-oriented type of working out

-Looking up the calories in the food that I most enjoy. Boy was that sobering.

-Education- I LOVE Jillian Michaels, personal trainer on The Biggest Loser. She has a radio show that they stream online, which I'm thankful for, cuz it airs on Sunday mornings and I can't listen to it then, since I'm at church. So, I listen to that most weeks. I get 3 hours of a really smart woman who has changed her own life and several other people's lives through fitness and nutrition education. 

-I'm getting closer and closer to the age when I'd like to start having children. I do not want to weigh over 200 pounds when I'm pregnant. Which at my current weight, would happen. I want to be in good shape, to give my children the best start I can give them. 

-Family history of cancer. If you don't take care of yourself, your chances are going to increase. I'm aware that I can do everything right as far as health and fitness go, and still get cancer someday, but I need to do what I can for me- I need to fight it NOW, and not be a victim.

I really like reviewing the things that are helping inspire me to be healthier. And the truth of the matter is you just FEEL GOOD. I may love the taste of fast food, but I sure don't love that bloaty feeling, fat feeling, that comes later. Eating healthy can be delicious, and it typically does not come with the same after-effect. 

Peace!

Love =)

Not much to say today. Jordan and I had a fun, relaxing Saturday. We worked out together, came up with plans to see the circus next month (Lol...that was my request, haha) and watched a movie, and looked at magic eye pictures! I decided i would post one- I'm trying to think about God's incredible love for us, as Valentines Day approaches. I think of how insane the aisle at the grocery store and walmart look- they're bursting with red, pink, the word love everywhere...I don't think there are enough aisles in all the world to burst with the love he must have for us, considering what he has done. So, I'd like to be appreciate of that, more aware of it, you know? Happy weekending.

P.S. so today I learned that the only way I can see the 3D in magic eyes is to put my nose ON the picture, and not let my eyes focus, and slowly move backwards. Eventually, it's there. Unfortunately, it's terribly nerdy in the mean time ;) Oh well, taught Jordan my trick and now he can see them, too. yay!

musings

Today feels like a good day for typing in a girly color, considering the subject of what I intend to write about. The truth of the matter is, I haven't always been so into traditional femininity. Like almost every other human, I experienced the akwardness of puberty, and during that time I didn't dare try on a dress or wear anything loudly girly, because I was just trying to look typical and didn't want to step out of my very small comfort zone. Luckily, it passed, and in college I embraced my inner woman! When I was a little girl, my parents tell me all I wanted to be was a little princess. I insisted that my dad call me his little princess. I loved dresses and pink and everything girly. One way I began straying further from "traditional" female in college however, despite going back to pink and skirts and dresses and heels and nail polish and makeup, was my view on Biblical roles of the male and female.

I remember that they made us take this class, where the main subject was gender roles. We read a book that had 4 different views, and for each segment we had to read all 4 points of view. Well, the Bible says that women are to be submissive to their husbands, and it limits their role of teaching and some would even say speaking in church. I didn't like that. I remember feeling so much angst as I read the words of the men in the book who still held to the traditional view, and I would be so mad, because of COURSE they are going to accept the Biblical view, they don't have to sacrifice anything! I felt like to accept the Biblical view meant that I needed to check my brains in at the door, and I hated that. So I dabbled on the other side of the fence. It sure felt like they were considering my wants and needs more on the other side. I knew that in Bible times, women didn't really receive education, so duh, it's probably not good to have an uneducated woman teaching. Makes sense to me. But here I was, getting a Bible college degree, and I KNEW I was smart- I have some really great insights sometimes. Every spiritual gifts test I took told me I had the pastor/shephard gift, and I was so confused with what I was supposed to do with that. Why would God give me brains, give me insight, give me education, then not let me use them? At the time, it didn't make any sense to me.

Fast forward a few years. Now I'm in graduate school at a seminary. But, several of my fellow classmates are feminists. At first I wasn't really thinking about it, and because they're attractive and kind, I wanted to be like them. I never subscribed to their view per say, but I laughed at the joke and began making a cognitive dissent into the feminism...now I'm reading a book for a class on marital/sexual ethics, and the book is talking about paganism redefining sexuality in the USA, and how it's sweeping into our churches, and then, the author began writing about gender roles. I felt really convicted as a I read that. He made a good point that it's the first step down an extremely slippery slope. The biggest thing wrong about it is...not taking God's word for God's word. While I would like to re-interpret those scriptures, what's the chance that for 2,000 years man has been interpreting them wrong? I realized that in this time of relative truth and pagan sexuality and huge attacks on churches...it's time to hold fast to Biblical teaching. If I re-interpret the gender passages, why not re-interpret others? I just don't want to be that Christian. So, I am re-committing myself to traditional gender roles.

I mentioned earlier that I didn't understand in college, why God would give me my gifts, and then leave me no outlet. Of course, he didn't! I'm married to a man who desires to be a pastor/shephard, and he is extremely open to my viewpoint. In a really cool way I get to help out and offer my ideas, and help HIM become a better minister. Occasionally I'll write a lesson or devotion for him to use. Often times I give him my feedback on how he's leading the class, and what could be softened, what could be hardened, and what issues I really think need to be addressed. I think God has given me the perfect outlet. Because, I never really wanted to be a minister! I just wanted to be able to use my gifts in a non-controversial way to further the Body of Christ! I feel like I have a great opportunity to do that.

Thank you God, for creating the world YOUR way. I know You've got the master plans, and I trust myself to You. I submit myself to Your ways. Thanks for making me a woman.

Snowed in again =)

I'm a little smug to say...I'm snowed in, again. It happened just like they said it would- got hit on Tuesday again, which of course is school day. I decided to be committed to my education, since it's my last semester and all, and Jordan boldly demanded that I let him drive me to school, so we headed up Price Hill (BIG hill...really big.) and made it there a little frazzled, but safe and in one piece most importantly. He decided to stay with me at school instead of going home and coming back- and it's a good thing he did because halfway through my first course, school was let out and everything cancelled for the rest of the day. I had already done everything I was going to do at home today as far as being productive goes, since I'd planned on being at school till 9:30 or so, so it was just a nice enjoyable evening. They cancelled school for the city tomorrow, and when that happens, the office I work at is closed automatically. So, no work tomorrow, either. It's looking like a very chill week for me!

Sunday was AWESOME! Singing the special music with Jordan was...everything I'd hoped it would be. Terrifying, challenging, but within my grasp. I hit my notes, was loud enough to be picked up by the mic- so for me it was a total victory! Lots of people said good job, a few even said it was beautiful. I hope that's true. Most importantly I hope God liked it. Forever ago, back in high school for me, I think it was my father who made the easy parental mistake of comparing me to other kids in the youth group (while I could hear him, boo) and I always remembered that he thought others were more spiritual, because they would sing special music. It's silly, and I know that statement is completely false (Others may have been more "spiritual", but not because of that reason) but I've always wanted to ever since then. I felt like his statement was false at the time, I knew enough to know that singing did not mean you were closer to God, but I also found small grains of truth that he probably didn't intend. It does take a willingness to place yourself outside of your comfort zone, to stand up there and just sing. I'm not sure why, but singing...is difficult! You're kind of vulnerable, when you sing in front of others. I guess it's because you can easily embarrass yourself. So- taking a step out of your comfort zone to give God more glory and pleasure, is normally a good thing spiritually. I'm just glad that 9 years later I had the opportunity to do it. I felt stretched, and I felt that I grew. I'm glad I did it. But I don't think I'll be one of those regulars at it. ;)  Oh, and Jordan was awesome, he always is. I grabbed his hand and held it tight while I sang. He's my rock when it comes to moral support.

Lately I've been dreaming about vacationing in the Smoky Mountains with some friends. I really hope we can make it happen. Something about winter, being cooped up, makes me so excited to go somewhere beautiful, and hike! Plus staying in a cabin is a lot of fun. Anyway, here's hoping!

P.S.

Oh, I forgot to say this! For the first time ever, I'm singing with Jordan for special music at church. I'm terrified! But I love love love the song (That's how he convinced me) we are going to sing You Raise Me Up by Selah. So, pray for me!